My Life as a Dog


Yes, they are up there, large cat, on the wooden shelf that you will soon make your awkward jump onto. Cast your feline eyes uponĀ  me, if you will, clumsy cat with the swaying belly, for I will gaze upon you in return with my dark and unblinking dog eyes until you feel the shame and self-hatred that is rightly yours.

For while you may be able to hoist your overfed body onto that high shelf as I cannot, ungainly feline, and while you may well ignore the tiny glass snail, the tiny glass seal, the tiny glass chicken and the tinier glass mouse, the better to crouch over the cat and the mailman and crunch them down your gaping maw, those treats are not yours by birthright, as they are mine.

Gaze upon the box, o craven one! Yes, that box.

The box that reads Peanut Butter Crunch, the Natural Dog Treats Your Pet Will Love! Shaped as Cats and Postmen.

And that is where you should feel shame, one of felineness, as you hunch and munch and cast your nervous eyes about.

First the Postman, oh yes. And now the Cat.


You are exactly the kind of cat that other cats warn their kittens about. Have you no shame? Good thing you’re neutered, or we’d be reading about you in the paper.

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One Response to My Life as a Dog

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you, thank you for a much needed laugh.

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